Legend of Bidoof
by Jeuxdevie
Summary: Once upon a time, Bidoof did not exist, Eevee were numerous, and Magikarp was powerful. What happened? A heartbreaking long-forgotten Pokemon folk tale about Arceus and his family.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon._

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**Legend of Bidoof**  
by: Jeuxdevie

Once upon a time, when the world was still young, and the great Arceus was just starting to create Pokemon, his younger brother dropped by for a visit - without notice, as usual, while the god Pokemon was busy with his work.

Now, not everyone knows that Arceus had a brother, and it is something he does not want to talk about. You see, unlike Arceus, who is awesome and magnificent in every way, Bidreus (that was the brother's name) was a freak. He was terribly ugly, deformed, weak, stupid, and pathetic. The legendary stones do not say details of his appearance, other than that beholding his visage inspired nothing but disgust, and that he always smelled of shit, so we can only imagine how he must have looked like.

Still, Arceus loved - or at least tried his best - to love him. He knew Bidreus only wanted to be loved and accepted. The younger god Pokemon did what he could to make his brother happy... though often with disastrous results.

"So, what brings you here now, brother?" sighed Arceus, as he stopped his work to meet his sibling. He averted his eyes, for, despite his fraternal love, he could not stomach his brother's horrific appearance.

"Let me help you make this world," Bidreus replied.

"No! Haven't you already done enough?"

Once, Bidreus had sat on, and flattened, and made a stinky mess on a new beautiful mountain that Arceus had created, and diverted a river in an effort to clean it. The river ended up cutting a huge gap through the mountain, practically destroying it. Arceus wasted years trying to recarve the mountain back to its original form, in vain. Exasperated, the great god Pokemon left the ruined mountain as it was.

That wasn't all the mess that Bidreus had done. There were plenty more.

"I will do my best," said he. "I promise. I have many ideas. I will make it better."

"I've heard that a thousand times by now."

Bidreus murmured, and then said, "Not a thousand. Nine hundred and eighty-six."

"That doesn't matter. I've got a beautiful world to create, and I want you out of the way because you will only ruin it. Can't you understand that?" And Arceus turned away. He did not hear a reply, and thought his brother had dropped the idea. But Arceus' ears were sharp, and caught the sound of soft sniffles.

His heart was moved with pity. "Fine... Just don't bother me too much, okay?"

"Hurray!" Bidreus ran to Arceus and hugged him tightly from behind. "I love you, dear brother! You're the best!"

"I know," said Arceus, instinctively shrugging him off. "Now... please... take a bath first, okay?"

Arceus knew he was going to regret allowing his brother to stay and "help." No sooner had he arrived did Bidreus cause his first mishap. He indulged in a humongous bucket of Bhut Jolokia chili, went for a swim in the ocean and, without thinking, let out a massive, wet fart, with lots of shit that covered several square miles.

"Oops. Sorry."

Arceus face-palmed. "Jesus Christ... I wish this fucker would just die."

-x-x-x-

Years passed, without a single Bidreus incident. The younger god Pokemon fulfilled his promise of staying out of Arceus' way, and limited his activities to minor improvements, like making ledges, dark caves, rocks and trees. He had a bit of success in this endeavor and, although he wouldn't voice it at that time, Arceus was pleasantly surprised with his brother's achievement.

"He's not as useless as I had first thought," Arceus thought.

Bidreus also designed some of the first Pokemon. Arceus thought the designs were very nice, and decided that these Pokemon would dominate the world. Pretty soon, Arceus breathed life to them. The grasslands were abound with the beautiful Eevee, while the seas were filled with powerful Magikarp.

He then commanded the Pokemon to be fruitful and multiply, and to subjugate the Earth.

Bidreus was thrilled with the new Pokemon, especially the ones he had designed. He wanted to play with them. Unfortunately, the Pokemon did not want to play with the ugly, deformed and stinky Bidreus. They stayed away from him, and even laughed at him. The Eevee laughed at him because he was so ugly. The Magikarp laughed at him because he was so weak. Bidreus was very, very sad. All he wanted was to help others, and to be appreciated by the Pokemon he had helped to create.

Finally, after a hundred years of abuse, Bidreus snapped. "If they won't respect me, I will make them _fear_ me!" One night, he ran amok on the grasslands, killing and eating the Eevee. He wanted to wipe out these beautiful creatures whom he had created but had mocked him, and went after their females, so that they may become extinct.

Within a few hours, most of the female Eevee have been wiped out. The remaining females and the males, extremely terrified, hid deep in a dark cave, where some of them got lost and died of hunger while wandering in the dark.

Meanwhile, the Magikarp heard of Bidreus' rampage on land, and readied themselves to fight. Since they were the most powerful Pokemon in the ocean, they were confident that they could defend themselves and the rest of the water Pokemon from the wrath of the young god Pokemon.

Bidreus arrived at the ocean to find an army of a million Magikarp, each one armed to the gills. Bidreus laughed; he loved the taste of fish and couldn't wait to eat the Magikarp.

However, the god Pokemon underestimated the Magikarp. The moment he put a Magikarp into his mouth, the fish Pokemon flailed, crushing the god Pokemon's teeth into powder.

Overcome with pain, Bidreus' bowels loosened, and warm shit flowed out of his ass into the ocean.

The Magikarp dropped their weapons... and laughed.

The entire ocean was filled with mocking laughter. They all pointed their fins at the ugly, stinky Bidreus, and laughed their hearts out.

Bidreus wanted to become angrier, but the laughter easily broke his naturally gentle heart. Unable to stop himself from weeping, he fled the ocean and ran as far as he could, until the laughter faded away.

"Fuck my life. Forgive me, my brother." And, grabbing a sharp piece of stone, he stabbed himself in the heart, and died.

Arceus was so busy breathing life unto the world, it was a hundred years before he discovered that his brother had died. He mourned for a day, then returned to work. After thinking for about a year, he decided to exact justice upon the Pokemon who had driven his brother to suicide.

First, he turned his attentions to the Eevee. "To protect your species from the same fate that had befallen you, daughters among you shall be rare, and you shall no longer dominate the land."

And then, he went to the oceans, where the Magikarp were still feasting over the defeat of the god Bidreus. "And you, brutes of the sea, shall no longer rule the waters. You shall be the weakest Pokemon. If there are among you who wish to reclaim power, you shall have to toil for it day and night; but, until then, you shall be prey to land and water Pokemon alike."

And to the rest of the Pokemon, he said, "You shall no longer be free. Your existence shall be for the human, and he shall be your master. You are now meant to be captured, to be his slave, and to live out your petty lives in tiny dungeons. This is your curse for insulting my brother."

Arceus said it, so it was done.

And then, his eyes fell upon the shit that Bidreus had left. Arceus touched it.

"This shit... it's so warm... and it stinks... it feels like my brother is still here..." He embraced the shit, and rolled on it, bathed in it, the same way Bidreus would have embraced him. And for the first time since his brother died, Arceus wept.

His godly tears fell upon the shit, and, momentarily, he saw a glimmer of life on the excrement. "It has soul, and it's... so beautiful..." He looked at the world that he had made, and thought, "Bidreus only wanted to help, and to be seen, and to be loved..." He grabbed a fistful of shit, and said up to the skies, "I promise, dear brother, that you will always be seen, and will be loved!"

He kissed the shit, and breathed life upon it. It became a chubby-faced Pokemon with large frontal teeth and an airy, guttural voice.

Arceus took the Pokemon into his arms, and said, "I dub thee _Bidoof_, because you were made from Bidreus' poop."

Bidoof looked back at the god with his large black eyes, and said, "Biiiiidoooofff!" And Arceus smiled, and embraced the new Pokemon. "Through you, dear Bidoof, my brother lives. To thee, I give dominion over the land."

Arceus said it, so it was done. And Bidoof now dominate the land and the world of Pokemon.

_THE END_

**Epilogue:** One late afternoon, Arceus looked at the mountain that Bidreus had ruined. He thought it looked so beautiful in the sunset, with its reddish hue. He dubbed it "Grand Bidoof Canyon," in memory of his brother. It became a scenic spot, and one of the places where Bidoof are most numerous._  
_

He also blessed the shit that Bidreus had spread over the ocean. It had become a group of islands, and was very fertile. However, since it was excreted when Bidreus had eaten Bhut Jolokia chili, it was volcanically active. Arceus left it as it was, and called it "Bidoof Islands." Once again, it has become a vacation spot, and one of the places were Bidoof are most numerous.

_Note: Due to people's disdain of Bidoof, the Grand Bidoof Canyon is now known as just "Grand Canyon," while Bidoof Islands is now known as "Hawaii." Blasphemous infidels..._


End file.
